The Waterfowler’s Wife

Posted December 09 2012

8 December 2012: By Kate Vandemore

 

First things first:  I absolutely adore my life, my husband and the hunting industry.  It’s been a wonderful duck season and it’s hard to believe there are only 2 weeks remaining.  But regardless of my involvement in this sport, there are still things I’ll never understand as a hunter’s wife and as a woman….  Maybe you (or your lady) can relate?

 

First of all, you stink. Can you not smell that? It’s not B.O.; it’s more like a blend of wet dog, swamp mud, musty waders and stale-outside-sweat stink.

 

We’re way too young to have an 8:15 PM bedtime.

 

I wonder if the happiness of any other marriages is determined by duck and goose migration patterns?

 

When you talk about hatches, it reminds me that I need to put eggs on the grocery list. We’re out.

 

No, I’m not going to eat that duck.  I just watched it die.  My suburban palate prefers anonymous food.

 

When you say, “watch out for the shot”, right before I take a bite…well, now I’m DEFINITELY not going to eat that duck.

 

Don’t be mad at me, but I think I lost the Benelli 20-gauge you got for my birthday.  I’ve been looking for it since September…   Have you seen it?

 

When I see our dog soaking wet out here in the freezing blind, my maternal instinct wants to wrap him in a blanket.  One more time, are you SURE he’s okay?

 

If there’s a guy at weather stations who is solely responsible for the daily “wind” report, he can thank you all for his job security…  Because you’re the only ones who actually care about wind speed and direction.  Well, you and highrise window washers.

 

If you always get new Rangers…can’t I just get one Range ROVER?

 

I’m glad you don’t mind loading my shotgun for me. This French manicure ain’t cheap.

 

Some of this wild game has been in our freezer for 2 years.  PLEASE let me throw it away.

 

Watching you manually finish off a cripple with your bare hands is, in fact, quite the intimidation tactic.  (…Sir.)

 

When I express that our smelly dogs need a bath, your argument that they take “daily baths” in flooded corn and timber doesn’t count.

 

Whenever you mention Saskatchewan, I think you’re talking about the mystical Sasquatch.

 

Thank God you aren’t trying to do the Robertson beard thing, but your lack of shaving during season says otherwise.

 

Do you HAVE to tune your calls EVERY night?!

 

I love it when you caress my face like that, but your fingers are caked with dried blood and feather wisps. Just throwin’ that out there.

 

You got another leak in your waders?  Really?

 

When you give me directions to a blind or random country location in yards and north/south/east/west…I’m always going to make you break it down to mile fractions and right/left/landmarks.   I’m a city girl, you need to understand how we do directions.

 

The Weather Channel online didn’t change its major weather forecast in the past 5 (or 3) minutes. Breathe.

 

If “decoys for men are like shoes for women”…then baby, I’ve got A LOT of catching up to do. And my shoe collection isn’t exactly small, either.

 

I secretly get annoyed when you talk about your beautiful “Blondes”…  Why can’t the Redhead Duck be cooler?  Psh.

 

The butter compartment in the refrigerator would seem empty without your turkey calls stacked there.

 

I frequently wake up during season between 2 – 3 AM in a panic that you’ve overslept.

 

During snow goose season, my friends get confused when I casually mention, “Yeah, my husband likes ‘em young and dumb.”

 

If we bear a child, no, we cannot name him Drake Hunter Vandemore.

 

I don’t mind the camo, but I do reserve the right to control your wardrobe every non-hunting day of the year. I believe we covered that in our wedding vows.

 

You are almost completely deaf. Will you ever wear ear protection around shotguns, or should we just start learning sign language now?

 

No, I wasn’t scouting for you today while out on my errands.

 

Around week 3 of snow goose season, you lose the ability to complete sentences and frequently forget my name.  As well as yours.

 

Thank you for letting me enjoy the finer things in life while you’re hunting everyday.  The manicures, pedicures, shopping and dinners out are fabulous. When you get the credit card bill, please remember that I have to endure EVERY holiday season and 6 months a year without you…it requires retail and massage therapy at times to cope.

 

I love our deep morning talks when you leave for work each day: “Bye babe, I’m gonna go make a pile Michael Jordan can’t jump over.”

 

I think it’s hilarious that your bands are hidden and locked away. As if an extensive collection of bird bands is on your average robber’s list of things to steal.  And as if a robber would get very far past a man who shoots a gun for a living.

 

It’s always a blast to hunt with you…but your incessant monitoring of every movement I make with a shotgun in my hands makes me feel like I’m 5. Maybe 6.

 

YES, THE SAFETY’S ON.

 

Thank you for not constantly watching outdoor television, even when you’re on it.

 

A field of millet will never bring me the joy it brings you. Let’s say I’m excited on the inside?

 

Yes, I will wear make-up to the field. Yes, I want waders that are more figure-flattering. And yes, I will only wear Under Armour camo, even though I don’t deer hunt, simply because it is the only fitted women’s hunting clothing on the market.

 

You have over 50 blinds and always “need” more each year… yet when you hunt, you always prefer to sit against a tree. Don’t give me trouble anymore about not “needing” all of the clothes in my closet.

 

When you want my attention and command, “Here!”… You’ve been around your gundogs a little too long.

 

I can’t believe you just broke thick sheets of ice with your bare hands to help the ice eaters. What ARE you?!

 

I’ll never remember all of the topics we need to discuss when we finally have time to have a real conversation after season…so let’s just call it a wash and start over with normal life then?

 

And last but not least… HOW ARE YOU NOT FRIGGIN’ FREEZING OUT HERE???????!!!!!!!!!

 

PS: Thank you for giving me all of the other off-season months where you aren’t allowed to shoot things that fly. I love my hunter!!!

 

Love, The Little Waterfowl Wifey

 Leave a comment   26 Comments.
  1. December 9th, 2012 alex says:

    Good job…love it

  2. December 9th, 2012 Kyle Karcher says:

    Hahaha! This is great and something the only a hunter can understand!

  3. December 9th, 2012 Rich Good says:

    Awesome, hope all is well with the Vandemores
    Have a great Christmas and Happy New Year !

  4. December 9th, 2012 Bud DePlatchett says:

    Good stuff Kate! Tony is a lucky man to have a “lady” like you!

  5. December 9th, 2012 Ben Propson says:

    I dont get it? Lol That does sound familiar. Nice work!

  6. December 9th, 2012 Anna Ingram says:

    This is absolutly epic!!! I couldnt have said it better myself. 🙂 So glad someone was finally able to put it into words!

  7. December 9th, 2012 Holt Blackwood says:

    Pretty work Kate.

  8. December 9th, 2012 Josh Campbell says:

    Great job, and yes only hunters will understand this! Merry Christmas to your family!

  9. December 9th, 2012 Keith McGowan says:

    AWESOME! now you need to talk to my wife….

  10. December 9th, 2012 Finley Boyd says:

    Kate… Thank you for putting all my thoughts Into words! I believe you met my husband opening weekend… They eat, sleep, and breathe ducks. Woohoo! Maybe you all can make it down in January and we can go for some retail therapy 😉

  11. December 9th, 2012 Barbara Fitzgerald says:

    Kate, you are a wonderful writer! Please have this published! I’m sure the Hunter’s magazines need this to give balance to their articles written from a man’s perspective. You have a great ability to express yourself. Thanks for sharing.

  12. December 10th, 2012 Mehgin says:

    My hunter pointed me towards this, thought I might enjoy it and share your sentiments. Yep!! It all sounds about right!!
    If he’s not hunting, he’s checking the weather, reading his waterfowl magazines, making calls/tuning them, or obviously sleeping (your lucky he sees 8:15!). It is exhausting to be a waterfowlers other half!! Glad there are other women who share my pain, but as much as we complain we wouldn’t change it!!

  13. December 11th, 2012 kay says:

    I love this! So funny yet so much truth to it, however given any chance…Jim right there with him doing the same things and love it!

  14. December 11th, 2012 Molly says:

    Absolutely spot on! Thanks for reassuring me I am not alone with these same exact thoughts- Hope to read more from you!

  15. December 12th, 2012 Kate Vandemore says:

    Great to see so many ladies (and gentlemen) can relate! It was more than therapeutic to vent the finer points of our waterfowl-centric marriage… Although we work side-by-side, there are still hunting nuances that baffle me, and probably always will. Happy Holidays to all of you, glad you enjoyed it!

    Kate

  16. December 12th, 2012 Katie says:

    I love it! EVERY single one of those is so very true!

  17. December 13th, 2012 Doug Fout says:

    Kate my wife and I just made 29 years together , I am always on the road racing or hunting so she understands exactly what you are saying , but we are all luckey to have such a great and different life .Merry christmas to you both

  18. December 13th, 2012 Ira says:

    Good lord Kate… You r cracking me up!

  19. January 12th, 2013 Tanya says:

    Great post Kate and so very true :)…I too love duck hunting but shopping too..Happy New Years to the Vandemore’s!!

  20. January 22nd, 2013 Cheri Farris says:

    Kate,
    These are so funny, and I can relate to many of them! Who knew? I’m married to a waterfowler who is incredibly obsessed with all of the things your husband is, except the dogs. (He loves dogs but doesn’t own them). So good to know that I’m not the only one!
    Cheri Farris

  21. January 25th, 2013 Tiffani says:

    I completly understand, and it is very funny to me, my husband is just like yours. I actually hunt with him as much as I can. (He would say otherwise) But I do differ I love to fix what we have killed and I know what shot is when I bite into it. But hats down to you on all the other comments. Good Luck is all I can say.

  22. February 5th, 2013 Kylie Sartini says:

    hahaha!! My husband follows your blog and he said I had to read this…I literally laughed the whole way through. Your wife is sooo spot on!! I’m so happy that other women out there feel the same way :] Hunting is a great passion to have though & it makes me happy my husband has a passion in this life :] I’m a twin and my husband thinks if we have twin boys their names will be Hunter Boone & Gauge Crockett???–help me now!! haha loved reading this :]
    Kylie Sartini

  23. March 7th, 2013 Jason Kilgore says:

    truly 100% spot on Kate, Tony is lucky, you are lucky, my wife agrees !!!

  24. May 4th, 2013 Kayla Shantz says:

    Wow, exactly how I feel. My husband is starting up a waterfowl buisness/ habitat management. The part about yelling here hilarious my husband whistles at our children in the same manner he does the dogs. Hope to read more from you

  25. July 13th, 2013 Clint says:

    Thanks for the good laugh! I believe my wife would agree 100%. God bless!

  26. September 11th, 2013 val walker says:

    Had to share a few of my own.

    I don’t care about if I do strip the Chessie’s protective oil off her fur. This dog is getting a bath with SOAP.

    Thank God for Febreze.

    Why does this truck still stink so bad when hunting season is long over?

    Omg, can we just buy a new truck already?

    A new boat blind is going to cost how much?

    Tell the story again about how the dog locked you out of the truck.

    Seriously, how old is this pack of teal in the freezer?

    I think I’m just going to make a sign saying “it’s an Italian shotgun brand” because I’m tired of explaining to the yuppies why the pup’s name is Benelli.